


Favorite Color is Blue

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (Cryptic) Mentions of past suicide attempts, Boys Bonding, Connor is alive, M/M, Slow-ish burn, and going to therapy, bad habits, tags will be added as I go, therapy sessions, they're healing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-21 21:25:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14293779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The poor boy looked like he was about to cry once Connor laid his eyes on him, but thinking about it, that’s probably how he always looks. He’d seen him in fleeting glances in the hallways before, always stumbling and glaring at the floor like it stole his lunch money, desperately trying to not make any eye contact while still trying his best not to bump into anybody.He grabbed the book mindless, needing a distraction from thinking so hard about the blond. Yeah, he did seem like a total asshole, but that doesn’t mean Connor can just sit here and daydream like a total creep, secretly wishing he could’ve been nicer for once. Because Evan seemed like he needed ‘nicer’ in his life._What if Connor actually got the help he needed? And what if Evan didn’t cope with his feelings by compulsively lying. Would the two students be “normal”? And would they have a normal relationship?...Probably not.





	1. My Brain is a Time Bomb

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to mix things up with naming titles. For this story, I’ll be using lyrics from a song for each chapter that I think will fit said chapter. I listen to each song while writing to get inspiration, so I do recommend you listing to them as they heavily influence the mood! The first chapter and the story title is from:
> 
> Robert DeLong - Favorite Color is Blue
> 
> This song was basically the entire inspiration to writing this story, therefore winning the title’s name. Now, my music style might be a bit too “grungy” for some, so I understand if you skip this step, but do let me know what you think about the songs and/or give me recommendations!

The first time Connor met the twitching blond was the first Monday of his senior year. He’s seen Evan Hansen in the halls before, mainly because he seemed to hang out with the loud and obnoxious Jared Kleinman. Honestly, whenever Evan would be alone, he seems like he would blend right in into the walls, his dirty blond hair almost an exact copy of the milky cream on the endless walls. This day, though, when a very angry Connor set his eyes on the green orbs that seemed to fidget around the room, looking for an escape, he seemed anything but blended in, his blue polo practically  _screaming_  at him.

Jared had just insulted him, which wasn’t anything new. Being called a ‘future school shooter’ now added to the long lists of insults he had heard in his time in high school. What he didn’t expect was quiet, goody two shoes Evan Hansen to let out a weak, awkward chuckle. Clearly, the boy was uncomfortable in the situation, having nowhere to go. The second the nervous noise left his lips, he seemed to pale. Green eyes dilated in fear as Connor’s piercing blues made contact.

Connor did not take that too well.

Jared being long gone already, he snapped at Evan instead. Letting out his pent-up anger at the flustered boy, shoving him down a little too harsh as he yelled in his face. He saw the other’s eyes gloss over, tears peaking at the corners when Connor decided it was enough and that he had to get out of here before he would seriously hurt the other. He quickly registered the blond clutching at his arm, a thick cast covering it. It made Connor walk away even faster as the guilt built up inside of him.

He spent the next ten minutes in the bathroom trying to regain his breathing like his therapist had told him to, to think rationally and not jump to conclusions. It worked, the breathing and the therapy that was ongoing for about three months now. It was a slow process, but he seemed to handle his breakdowns a little better now.

As much harm it did to his pride, he was not above admitting that he did something wrong. Shoving Evan Hansen was therefore the first thing on his ‘what I fucked up today’ list. 

He really needed a smoke.

-

Connor walked into the library, knowing it would be empty at this time. Nobody really went here during lunch, the nerds would usually block here after their classes ended but that wouldn’t be for a couple more hours.

The buzzing of a printer made him realize he wasn’t alone, he looked around to see who it belonged to before laying eyes on a mess of blond hair and a blue, striped polo shirt. Just the person he wanted to see.

He grabbed the paper, feeling like he should do a favor to the other since he did just push him without a proper reason this morning. He should probably try to apologize as well while he was at it since he did feel a  _little_  guilty about what happened.

“Hey,” Connor announced loudly, getting the attention of the blond whom may or may not have jumped at the sudden presence of a new person. “Hansen, right?”

“E-Evan Hansen, yes.” He nodded along as if agreeing with himself.

“Connor Murphy.”

The silence felt thick around them, almost suffocating as they stood there in complete awkwardness. The clock ticking hard in the background, the shivering blond’s heartbeat almost as loud.

He knew he had to say sorry to the other soon, to just get it out of the way, give him the paper he grabbed before and leave so he could go back to his normal routine of brooding behind the school.

His mouth opened, but an apology didn’t leave his lips.

“What happened to your arm?” Trying to avoid the well-deserved apology, Connor would, as usual, try to dance around it until it would become either inevitable or a fight would break out. In his case, it was usually the latter.

“I- hmn, I f-fell out of a tree?” If Evan’s eyes would dart around any faster, Connor was afraid the orbs would actually roll out of his skull. He got nervous just looking at the twitching mess in front of him.

“Well, isn’t that the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” Connor let out a bitter laugh, trying to lighten to mood but failing horribly. This is why he doesn’t do social Interactions.

“I- yeah--I know.”

“Hey, no offense” He lifted his arms in defense. “Just trying to make small talk I guess.”

Evan was worrying his lip now, his gaze skipping from Connor’s eyes to the paper that was in his lifted hand, waving in the wind with the motion of his hands. “Could I get that back, pl-please?” He gestured to the page nervously, spiking the taller’s attention to it once again, blue eyes skimming the page quickly while it was still in his line of vision.

So this  _was_  Evan’s. He didn’t intend on snooping, not at all, it’s just that his eyes grazed over the page. What he did not expect was to read a certain name on said paper.

“Zoe?” His vision went red hot with anger at the mention of his sister. Was this guy shit talking about her? Was he some creepy stalker? “Why did you write about my sister!?”

The cream walls surrounding Connor started to swirl in his vision. His peripheral turned blinding white as he could feel his pulse raise quickly. Hands shook, gripping the paper in it so hard it nearly torn. All the signs that he was going to explode into an anger tantrum where there.

And explode he did.

“You did this so we could all laugh at THE FREAK CONNOR MURPHY!” He started shouting now, all reasoning for apologies out of the window. “WELL, FUCK YOU, YOU’RE THE FREAK!”

After pushing the twitching boy, once again, he stormed out with the letter crumpled tightly into his balled fist. A defeated and tired Evan Hansen was left begin in the empty library, muttering apologies into the nothingness.

-

“CONNOR!” Zoe’s hand rested on her hip while her left arm pointing a very accusing finger at her brother. “Why did you push that poor guy?”

“I dunno, he deserved it?” He shrugged his shoulders in self-defense while making a pathetic attempt at an excuse. Zoe wasn’t dumb, and everyone who barely glanced 10 seconds at Evan  _nervous breakdown_  Hansen knew that the boy couldn’t even hurt a fly without worrying, setting up an extensive funeral for said fly, all the while apologizing profusely to said deceased insect.

Okay--back on track. His sister.

One look at Zoe told him that she knew just as well, he sighed and opted to figure out a different excuse on the top of his head. “Okay, maybe he didn’t deserve it... But he was making fun of me!”

_And of you, too._

He deflated, knowing that it wasn’t how Evan had intended it to be. In both situations, it was a simple misunderstanding.

“Well, more like laughing awkwardly while I stared him down angrily. Blame Kleinman.” Conner wasn’t one to admit he made a mistake, but him mumbling those words made him cringe at his own douchebaggery. He decided that, yes, Evan did not deserve to be pushed by him.

_Twice._

After thinking about the encounter at the library yesterday, and actually reading the letter properly, Connor came to the realization that he was being brash once again. He shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions, and he shouldn’t have lashed out on Evan like he did. Was it just a simple crush he had on his sister or some kind of admiration? It was hard to decide which one was creepier, but he hoped it would be the latter.

Hell, there are tons of Zoe’s in this school. It’s probably not even his sister he was writing about.

Besides, no offense, Evan and Zoe seemed like polar opposites... and not in a good way. Connor cringed internally at the thought, trying to get back on the topic at hand.

“This is what the therapist is talking about, Connor.” she lowered her voice to a whisper, not wanting anyone in the crowded hallways to overhear their personal conversation. As much as she liked to embarrass her brother, she knew where the line was. She never tried to use therapy as something to upset him or make fun of, afraid he would ditch going there in the first place.

Her face seemed to soften a bit at the wince from Connor. He hated the mention of the therapy and all the jingles that came with it. But after a particularly rough fight and a few too many pills later, the family finally came to their first mutual agreement in years.

Connor needed professional help.

Zoe cleared her throat, trying to get back to the topic at hand. She glanced at one of the many clocks on the walls and sighed. Ten minutes into her lunch break, only leaving her with twenty more. It’s not that she was annoyed spending her time on Connor, it was more likely that she was annoyed with the topic at hand and to waste time on that.

“You’re going to apologize to Evan.” It wasn’t a question, it was a demand. Zoe learned that tone from their mother unintentionally, making his blood boil.

“Yes  _mom_.” Zoe huffed, hating being compared to their parents as she turned around and strolled back to her locker, a handful of friends patiently waiting for her. She didn’t spare him another glance, probably knowing that either of them is going to say something stupid, resulting then in losing that little progress that they had built up.

He would never admit it, but sometimes Connor was jealous of her. She had the grades, the friends; she was the angel in the family, always staying out of trouble. She was the  _perfect_  little Zoe that was stuck with an asswipe of a stoner brother.

He would never admit that he agreed she deserves better.

-

He was back at the library again the next day, deciding the cafeteria was too crowded. Noticing he wasn’t alone, he spotting Evan occupying a lone table at the corner. Connor walked up to him while he was engrossed in a book, clearing his throat loudly since he didn’t really know how else to get the other’s attention.

At the sound, Evan jumped up, making his chair squeak into the silence of the library while his entire body straightened. His book flew out of his hands and into the mahogany table, the soft ‘thud’ echoing a shallow breath intake as Evan tried to compose himself from being startled.

“What-” He twirled his hands into his shirt as he made eye contact with Connor, finally realizing who interrupted him. He flinched at the sight of those piercing blue eyes, half expecting another shove as he braced his shoulders up in defense.

Connor didn’t care for the shorter boy not being able to even form one coherent sentence. If it was up to him, he’d stomp out of the room already. He briefly wondered why he was here again, wasting his time when a very angry and very upset Zoe formed into his mind.

Usually, he wouldn’t care about a single thing she said, but part of the entire ‘better yourself’ included fixing their relationship as well. He huffed at the thought and how excessive all of this was. It’s way easier to just resolve back into his room, smoking pot and skipping class.

The angry scowl on Connor’s face startled the shaking boy in front of him even more, making him think the look was pointed at him for whatever reason his self-depreciating mind would come up with. Evan’s lips wobbled a little before he opened his mouth to whimper an unnecessary apology.

“I-I’m sorry.” the m sound was drawn out, creating a soft rumble behind closed lips as Evan seemed to struggle to comprehend a full sentence. A full sentence being two words.

“It’s okay, I guess.” Connor shrugged, not feeling empathic today. He extended his arm with the letter a little too roughly, making the stuttering boy in front of him jump once again. “Just take it already so I can leave.”

“Y-YES!” Evan closed his mouth sharply once he realized the volume of his voice, muttering another apology for being socially awkward once again. He took his letter with sweaty hands before nodding and running off, stumbling over his own feet in the process.

Connor was left alone once again watching Evan rush out and fail terribly at walking. He really got confused by flustered the other would get over the smallest things. He hopped onto the table, making the large surface his personal seat as he observed the library. This place was pretty empty, and if he was in a less frustrated mood right now, he would’ve basked in the glow of having a place away from all the other students that crowded this school.

As he was leaning back, his hand came in contact with a book. More specifically, the book Evan was reading before Connor not so politely interrupted him. He almost felt guilty thinking back how startled the blonde looked.

_Almost._

The poor boy looked like he was about to cry once Connor laid his eyes on him, but thinking about it, that’s probably how he always looks. He’d seen him in fleeting glances in the hallways before, always stumbling and glaring at the floor like it stole his lunch money, desperately trying to not make any eye contact while still trying his best not to bump into anybody.

He grabbed the book mindless, needing a distraction from thinking so hard about the blond. Yeah, he did seem like a total asshole, but that doesn’t mean Connor can just sit here and daydream like a total creep, secretly wishing he could’ve been nicer for once. Because Evan seemed like he needed ‘nicer’ in his life.

Having nothing better to do outside of the library, he flipped through the pages; inky words and colorful pictures adorning the thick, glossy pages as he settled on a page with a maple bark trees with uncanny vibrant crimson leaves. The page had one of many little post-its stuck on the page, on it containing some facts and important notes in a neat handwriting.

He spent the rest of his lunch reading about the ‘Osakazuki’ tree. He convinced himself that it was solely because he simply didn’t have anything else to do and not that he was mildly interested in the topic. He especially enjoyed reading the little extra information Evan wrote on colorful sticky notes. Once the bell rang he decided to borrow the book, swiftly putting it into his backpack so he could read more of it at home.

Only because he got bored there as well, of course.

The rest of the day, Connor was engrossed with the book, reading about different kinds of flora, specifically trees.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so, a new story has developed. I know where I want to take this, and I already have the outline planned out. Just be aware that this story will deal with mature content in the (near) future, but I shall tag those when they’re applicable. This means that ratings will go up eventually!
> 
> Connor might be a bit OOC in this, but I don’t know for sure because we didn’t see much of him in the play… That, and the therapy had helped some of his issues; read “helped”, not make them disappear.


	2. Would You Be the Savior of the Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, the real question is, is a palm tree a tree or not?” They were sitting in the back of the library again, Evan on a chair with the book about trees opened on the space before him while Connor was sitting on the table, letting his long legs swing in the air, barely missing the ground. 
> 
> Evan looked at him with a confusing gaze, it was a combination of ‘why’ and ‘what’ and a bit of a ‘are you serious’ sprinkled in his green eyes as he observed Connor to see he wasn’t messing with him. Connor decided to elaborate on the topic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Chemical Romance - Welcome To The Black Parade

It was only a couple of days into his senior year of school, and Connor felt like ages have already passed by. Adding the fact that he was forced out of bed by his sister, only putting him in a  _very_  bad mood.

What put him in an even worse mood was when he found out he ran out of cigarettes for his usual ‘smoke before school’. He hit himself mentally for forgetting to buy some yesterday, only to remember that the reason he forgot was the dumb book about trees.

He felt like a nerd.

The big doors swung open, letting out all the noises of early students in the corridor. He was already sporting a horrible headache and he hasn’t even reached his locker yet.

The busy hallway of the school erupted in a loud, obnoxious laughter that could only belong to the loudest, most obnoxious student in this entire school. Jared  _asshole_  Kleinman. The four-eyed had his arm obnoxiously around an uncertain and uncomfortable looking Evan Hansen, obnoxiously talking and laughing way too loud giving the close proximity between the two as he obnoxiously pushed his way through the crowd of students.

Okay, maybe he wasn’t  _that_  obnoxious, but Connor always thought that Jared was a bit too over the top with everything he did.

“Well, isn’t it the embodiment of edgy teenagers’ angst, Connor Murphy.” Jared had a big smirk on his face, snickering at his own sad attempt of a joke. “Yet to pull a gun on us, I see.”

“J-Jared...” Evan’s voice was quiet and uncertain as he tried to get the others attention. “May-maybe you shouldn’t.”

“I swear to god, Kleinman. You’ll be the first to go.” His pose was stiff as he stared down the smaller boy, his eyes burning in a warning to ‘back off’. And backing off, Jared did. He casually released Evan from his vice grip and waved with a big, cocky grin on his face.

“I’m flattered, Murphy, that you’ll choose me before tree boy, here.” He pointed at a distraught Evan before throwing a wink at the both of them. “Better go and find a hiding spot for the day tall, dark and scary over there loses it.” Jared turned, trying to casual walk through the hallways, but the quick in his step showing that he was in a hurry to get away from Connor.

“MmhhMm” A closed mouth whimper left the blonde as his fingers dug into the bottom of his shirt, tugging the blue fabric frantically down as if to cover his entire body in it to disappear. “So-sorry”

“Don’t apologize for that dick head of a friend of yours” The sentence came out more like a grumble as Connor glared daggers at Jared turned back, scrambling away behind a corner to do whatever he does in his free time.

“F-family friend.” Evan corrected quietly as if afraid his opinion didn’t matter.

“Whatever gets you off at night, Hansen.” A blush formed on tan cheeks as Evan stumbled over a multitude of syllables and letters as to defend himself, finally opting to just silently hang his head low in defeat.

“Oh, before I forget.” The brunet reached into his backpack, fishing out a thick book. “I might’ve,  _kinda_  stolen your book yesterday when you rushed out of the library. Figured you’d want it back.”

He was going to miss it, yes. But there was no way he was going to actually steal the thing. Connor was low, but not  _that_  low.

“Thanks!” Green eyes widened at the sight of the item. “I mean if it’s not-not a bother to you if I t-take it. Youcankeepitifyouwant.”

“Nah, I don’t really have a tree fetish.” Connor shrugged as he flopped the weight of the heavy book into shaky arms, only cringing slightly when he realized too late that the other still had his arm in a cast.

“I l-like trees.” Teeth engulfed Evan’s bottom lip in a worrisome nibble, unsure whether it would be too weird saying that. Connor decided to humor him for once, his guilt from the previous day crawling on his back.

“Why?”

Evan seemed almost startled at the sudden interest, green orbs widening and looking at Connor in question. Once said brunet nodded in a ‘go on’ kind of way, the blond’s cheeks seemed to redden in excitement, making his freckles contrast more against his skin.

“They don’t judge you, or--or talk behind your back” Evan took a heavy, shaky breath before continuing. “They’re also v-very important to the ecosystem, every living being needs them for their oxygen and all they need is just some soil and sunlight. They’re so independent yet without them we’d be nothing. One day I hope to be like atreeandbestrongand-” Evan hiccuped over his own words, drawing in a deep breath as his rant had rid his lungs from all air. “S-sorry”

“Damn, dude. Didn’t know you’d have such a hard-on for trees.” Connor snickered at his own joke, receiving a distressed look from the blond. Evan closed in again, his shoulders slouching down in an attempt to hide his entire being, book clutched tightly against his chest. The taller felt a pang of guilt, ruining the one time Evan had looked open and confident in his speech only to drag him down to his usual self again with one remark.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I was just trying to joke around with you. Trees are pretty cool.” Evan mumbled a reply in agreement, his eyes meeting up with a small, uncertain smile. Something inside Connor burned at the first, genuine smile he saw from the blond, his chest filling with pride as he was the cause of it.

Maybe he didn’t fuck up absolutely everything.

“Hey, what do you think about explaining some of these trees to me?” Connor pointed to the book “I didn’t get some of them, this book uses way too many complicated words.” He moved a silky lock behind his ear, a nervous tick of Connor. As smoothly as he tried to appear, human interaction was still something that he wasn’t comfortable with.

He continued “I mean, who uses sanguine to explain the color red? I had to Google that!” He threw his arms up in fake aggravation, feeling like someone had to liven up this conversation and to rid himself of his own anxiety in the process.

“You sure?” A small smile formed at the joke.

“I understand you rather not talk about your beloved trees with the school’s stoner.” Connor’s voice dropped into a low, irritated scowl.

“NO! I’d love to.” His stubby fingernails picked at the edges of the heavy book still safely tucked into his arms. “Jared never listens whenever I talk about trees and I don’t--don’t really have anyotherfriends.” Evan got quieter and quieter with each word and just whispered the last part out in a single sigh.

“Sure, cool I guess?” Connor shrugged, decided to ignore the last bit of Evan’s speech. “let’s meet up tomorrow at lunch in the library or something, same place as last time?”

“Yeah, cool.”

Connor turned his back on the fidgeting boy, throwing a swift wave over his shoulder without looking back. He grumbled a curse as the bell rang before he could even get to his locker to get his stuff, contemplating to just skip the next class instead of hurrying.

In his peripheral, he saw a flash of blue race past him in a hurry to get to their class before the second bell. Evan, once again stumbling over his own feet in a hurry. The boy wasn’t coordinated enough to run, it seemed, and it brought a smirk on Connor’s face as he saw him struggle to be on time.

Connor decided not to skip his class today.

-

“So, the real question is, is a palm tree a tree or not?” They were sitting in the back of the library again, Evan on a chair with the book about trees opened on the space before him while Connor was sitting on the table, letting his long legs swing in the air, barely missing the ground.

Evan looked at him with a confusing gaze, it was a combination of ‘why’ and ‘what’ and a bit of a ‘are you serious’ sprinkled in his green eyes as he observed Connor to see he wasn’t messing with him. Connor decided to elaborate on the topic.

“This one time I saw this dude on the internet ranting about how palm trees aren’t trees, but grass? What’s up with that?” He might’ve been stoned that particular day when he decided to go to Reddit and look for some deep thought material once he stumbled over that post, but the subject stuck even when soberness hit.

“Well, actually palms are classified as ‘arecales’, not trees. That does make them a close relative to grass, but they’re not exactly the same, you know?” Evan explained smoothly on the top of his head. He would wear this fond smile when he was talking about trees, he figured out, which made Connor himself smile in turn.

Even though they weren’t actually trees, apparently.

“Okay, then why the fuck are they called palm  _trees_!?” Connor threw his arms in the air in fake frustration, resulting in a snort from Evan.

“A simple misconception, I guess.”

“You’re like a walking dictionary. A walking tree dictionary! Which seems kinda cruel since trees are cut down to make the paper to make the book and-” Connor scratched the back of his neck, twirling some of the hair there. “You know what, nevermind.”

To his surprise, Evan let out a small, breathy laugh at this. “You’re right, it’s cruel, isn’t it?” As if laughing was the most embarrassing thing in the entire world, the blond covered his mouth with his good hand, a blush forming on his cheeks while he mumbled an apology.

Connor made it a mission to make the other laugh again, only because he didn’t want the other to feel so insecure about something as normal as laughing. Totally not because he enjoyed the soft rumble that came from Evan’s lips and how soothing his laugh actually was.

It honestly calmed him down. 

So, he continued the rest of their break with dumb puns and even dumber jokes throughout to hear that laugh again. That’s what you do with the person you’ve shoved twice in one week and have yet to apologize said act, right?

-

Apparently, Evan was in his second period English on Thursday. The nervous boy sitting in front of the class alone while the rest of his classmates were happily chatting with each other about their summer vacation and the upcoming weekend.

The sunlight streamed in low through the too big windows, giving an agonizing reminder of just how  _early_  this class really was. Connor grumbled, trying to tune out the volume of his peers.

He decided to take the seat next to him, mainly because he didn’t feel like sitting in the back with the troublemakers that would surely piss him off in no time. That and the blond was known for being quiet.

“Hansen.” Connor was never good at greetings, not being enthusiastic enough making people scowl while being too enthusiastic making them scared. Evan jumped in his seat at the intrusion, only to relax at the sight of the brunette.

“Hey, Connor.”

His hoodie smelled like smoke, but Evan either didn’t notice or was too polite to mention it. Knowing the blond, it was probably the latter. It was nice to not be lectured about his habits since he was already aware it wasn’t too healthy.

Heck, it was healthier than any other coping mechanisms that came to mind. He scratched the single scar on the inside of his wrist unconsciously  

A girl next to them was talking loudly about how they’re going to a party or something else that Connor deemed as a waste of time with some presumable friends. It seemed like the first week of high school already put their toll on most students, all of them more than excited to hang out with some friends to unwind in their free two days.

“You planning on doing something this weekend?” The brunet asked slowly, not really sure if it was an appropriate question to ask the obviously lonely boy next to him.

As if on cue, green eyes darkened in sadness for a split second, before the usual wobbly, unsure smile spread on his face again. “No, not really. You?”

“Nah, watch some bad movies, steal the food in the house and chill.” Evan nodded along with the conversation as to show that he was indeed listening to what he had to say. “My parents are going to visit my aunt this weekend and Zoe is sleeping over with a friend, so I’ll enjoy the peace while I can.”

“Yeah, I get that. My mom is usually gone for the weekend, too.” He was picking at his cast again, giving Connor the urge to slap his hand away as to not mess with it anymore. “Work and stuff...”

It was quiet again, Connor not really knowing how to reply to that and Evan too anxious to say any more. The rumble of the various noises of the school, mainly classmates, washed over them in a reminder of their surroundings. Thinking the conversation was over after a solid minute or two, the blond pulled out his books and pens, preparing himself for the inevitable torture of class that was to come.

“Wanna watch dumb movies and raid the fridge with me?” Connor broke the silence, surprising himself a little with the question. “I have nothing better to do this weekend, and like  _hell_  I’m doing homework!”

Evan seemed to ponder the question for a little, his brow creasing low as if he was just asked a hard mathematics question, before settling on a polite smile. “Sure. This is the first week, so I haven’t really gotten any homework yet.”

The brunet muttered a quiet ‘cool’ before the teacher walked into the classroom, demanding the attention of every student.

The rest of the class was drowned in their teacher lecturing about the rules of the class, the utmost importance of the subject and basically everything Connor’s previous teachers have already told him a multitude of times that week.

For reasons unsure to him, he was more excited than usual for the weekend to start already.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, but really. /r/trees is a subReddit about marijuana, and since the “trees” sub was already taken, they named the Reddit for trees /r/marijuanaenthusiasts.
> 
> This is just basically the treebros ship and I love it.


	3. But It's Fun To Fantasize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rummaging through multiple cabinets while the microwave beeped, the brunet seemed pleased with his choices of snack. It seemed like a lot of options, making him a little anxious about what he should choose. What Evan did not expect, was for him to throw everything into one bowl.
> 
> “Connor, w-what is that?”
> 
> “Popcorn with sour cream and onion powder, almond M&M’s, and bacon bits.” He shook the bowl, making all the ‘snacks’ mix together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Twenty one pilots – ride

“Welcome to mi casa!” Connor greeted him with enthusiasm he has never witnessed at school. The usual frown was replaced by a small smile, making his sharp features a little bit softer than normal. He truly seemed like a more carefree person once he was out of the horrible surrounding that is ‘high school’.

Evan had taken the bus to the other’s house, not having a car to drive himself. Of course, he couldn’t ask his mom on one of her rare free days, so he sucked it up and choose public transportation instead. He would walk if it wasn’t as far, but luck was never on his side, now was it? He absolutely hated the bus, especially on weekends since they always got so crowded and  _gross_.

Connor opened the door wider, allowing the blond to come in. With careful steps, Evan walked in while looking around.

The hallway was huge, a big curved staircase at the center of the two story high room. A large chandelier hanging from the ceiling, making him uncomfortable for  _somehow_  breaking the expensive looking lighting. The furniture adorning the hallway contained fancy looking ornaments and decorations. His hands started to get sweaty just looking at all of this expensive stuff.

“As great this hallway is, let’s go to my room, shall we?” Connor seemed to chuckle at his own joke.

Evan blushed at the statement, he was too easily impressed by the stupid entrance that he totally forgot to say or do anything else. Connor probably thought he was an idiot, now.

The stairway didn’t creak like how it did at his place, making Evan uncomfortable for no apparent reason. The hallway upstairs stretched out to multiple doors, giving him the impression of some kind of sick maze. Luckily, Connor led the way and swung open one of the doors with ease.

Plain, white walls were overcompensated by too many posters of bands and movies he did not know. They all looked a bit too dark, a bit too heavy for his taste. If he were being honest with himself, it made Evan a bit uncomfortable with how ominous it all looked.

Then again, it did seem to fit Connor’s personality, he didn’t know what else he was expecting.

Connor plopped down into the mattress, making the bed creak in distress. “Make yourself at home, or something?”

Evan laid down his options; either the small, black office chair that sat on the end of the room against a cluttered desk, the bed, or the floor. The first option was off the table since it was already occupied with bags and books and clothes, and the ground would be too awkward. If he sat on the ground, Connor would probably be annoyed with his lack of social skills and inability to read the situation, get angry and kick him out.

Evan sat on the edge of the bed, his body rigid with fear and anxiety. Yes. This is just  _fine_. Connor, on the other hand, seemed amused by his choice of seating. He was twirling a remote control, presumably for the television, but doing an awfully bad job at keeping his hand steady and making the piece of plastic slip numerous times.

“So, I was thinking Sharknado, Birdemic or the Amazing Bulk.”

“You weren’t kidding when you said you wanted to see  _bad_  movies.” Evan gave a breathy chuckle, before closing his mouth if fear that he was a bit too rude.

“Hey, if you gonna do something, you gotta go all the way.” Connor was scrolling through his phone, Netflix opened to browse through their options.

Birdemic being the only of the movies he didn’t recognize, Evan made a gamble by choosing that one. The wide grin on Connor’s face made him question his decision almost immediately.

“Your choice of snack?” Connor was setting up the TV, turning it on and loading the movie. Looking at the cover, Evan  _definitely_ regretted his decision.

He weighed the options, not wanting to be picky or anything. “Whatever you’re having.”

“Suit yourself. Just a warning, I’ve been told that I have quite the  _acquired_  taste.” He signaled Evan to get out the room and down the stairs. Getting out into the hallway again made him feel oddly claustrophobic, rushing to keep up with Connor’s long strides.

The kitchen was just as impressive, adorned with a beautiful mahogany wood on the counters. It was big, probably just as big as his living room, and he felt shameful for the jealousy that bubbled up in his stomach.

The sound of a microwave brought him back to the task at hand,  _snacks_. He didn’t really have a lot of friends. Heck, he wasn’t even sure if Jared counted as a friend or not, so he was unsure how to act in situations like this.

He decided to casually lean against the counters, before freaking out that they would probably get mad if he did, stiffening his back and just standing ‘normally’ instead.

 _Just fine_.

Rummaging through multiple cabinets while the microwave beeped, the brunet seemed pleased with his choices of snack. It seemed like a lot of options, making him a little anxious about what he should choose. What Evan did not expect, was for him to throw everything into  _one bowl._

“Connor, w-what is that?”

“Popcorn with sour cream and onion powder, almond M&M’s, and bacon bits.” He shook the bowl, making all the ‘snacks’ mix together.

“What the-” Evan pulled up his face in disgust. “That’s just gross, Connor.” He looked in shock as Connor took a handful of his little concoction. “How can you keep that down!”

“‘s easy” His mouth was full, now. Swallowing heavily before continuing. “The flavors really mix well.” Evan’s face went sour at the mere thought of said flavors.

“I think I’ll pass.” He gagged internally as Connor bit through another handful of whatever  _that_  was. Never in his life has he seen someone ruin popcorn, and he hung around with Jared who has a tendency of ruining everything!

“How ‘bout I make you some normy popcorn?” Connor licked his fingers, happily eating the residue on the appendages. Evan shuddered at this.

“That sounds great, yes.” The blond nodded feverishly. “Thanks”

“Suit yourself, you’re missing out.”

Connor popped another package in the microwave, before relaxing on the nearby surface of the kitchen, waiting for the popping sound to start. His long frame felt even lankier leaning against the low counters, making him curl up awkwardly to allow his elbows on the surface. It was sometimes hard for him not to stare at the others features, his tall figure mesmerizing to Evan.

It reminded him of a birch, with bark as pale as his skin, the trunk never truly growing straight like the slouched position the other permanently is in. Skinny yet tall and with the most vibrant leaves.

The loud beep of the microwave snapped Evan out of his daydream, a slight blush creeping up his neck in embarrassment.

They took their way towards the brunet’s room once again, now with two bowls of snacks in their arms.

“How did you even start eating that trash in the first place?” Evan winced at the rudeness of his own statement. “-No offense”

“Well-” Connor shrugged, swallowing the rest of his ‘food” before continuing. “I got high this one time and nothing really satisfied my munchies. Decided to throw together some stuff and the rest is history.”

“H-High!?” Evan’s voice squeaked out in a high pitch.

“High on sugar?” The brunet smirked at his own joke before throwing an apologizing look towards the smaller boy sitting next to me. "Besides, Zoe does the same. I guess we're just blessed with superior taste buds."

In order to direct the conversation elsewhere, Connor pressed play on the TV, the noise blasting from the device loudly. Evan flinched on the bed, jumping slightly, making the other chuckle before turning down the volume.

“Sorry about that, I like to listen to my music through the TV speakers. Better quality.” He played his slender fingers through a brown curl almost anxiously.

How the other wasn’t deaf yet was beyond Evan.

The screen started playing their choice of movie. In reality, said picture was bad--really bad. The actors were shit and the camera work had a lot left for improvement.

Since the plot was so boring and predictable, there were plenty of changes to talk through the bad voice acting and stuttering CGI. It was almost better than watching a proper movie, as Evan would be too nervous to bother the other by talking over it, causing them to miss important plot points. Whereas this ‘movie’, he felt bad treating it such in his head, gave them the perfect conversation started and white noise.

Besides, Connor was quite talkative, something he came to realize in the week that they’ve talked. Cringe-worthy jokes and oddly funny puns are sprinkled through conversations, almost trying to keep the topic distant from a personal level. It seemed like a defense mechanism, but Evan was all too happy to have a normal conversation with someone other than his mother.

“This is probably my favorite part. The CGI of these birds are so bad I cried laughing the first time I saw it!”

“Don’t tell me you saw this movie before.” Connors smirk grew wider whereas Evan looked back at him almost pleadingly. “Please.”

Connor laughed, and Evan was unsure if it was at his question or the ‘birds’ moving in the screen. He’d be lying if he didn’t snort a little himself at the hideous image, only to get insecure about the noise he just made.

“Tell you what, I think we need a break from this movie. It’s truly emotionally draining with all the feels.” He wiped a nonexistent tear. “Wanna play some games?”

“Sure.”

And that’s how Evan figured out his newfound talent in super smash bros on the Nintendo 64, beating Connor with Kirby five times in a row now.

At one point, he got anxious winning so often, afraid to frustrate the other. Surprisingly enough, Connor didn’t seem to mind losing as much as he’d thought, and the way his body was sprawled on his bed in total relaxation gave the possibility that he was perhaps losing on purpose.

He could see the others fingers nimbly press the buttons on the old controller, his dark nail polish looking neat, neater than it had Thursday, making Evan realize he had redone them anywhere in between.

“Something wrong, Evan?”

“Oh, no nothing. Just looking.” He realized too late he was totally staring at the other. “You don’t seem very competitive, do you?”

“Nope, it’s more fun when the other wins. When you grow up with someone like Zoe who’ll scold you when you beat her, you’ll understand.”

Evan chuckles a little. This side of Zoe was new to him, so he was excited to learn more.

“Are you guys close?”

“Not really.” Connor’s expression softened in something akin to pain. “We’ve been trying, though.”

Evan was unsure if he should say ‘that’s horrible’, or ‘that’s great’, afraid his choice of words would offend the other when he was just trying to be nice. He opted for a safe nod instead.

Nimble fingers plucked at a long strand of brown hair, tugging at it slightly before moving it behind his ear in an almost nervous twitch. Evan had noticed that Connor would touch his hair whenever he felt uncomfortable, which meant it was a good indicator to stop the conversation they were having in order to not upset him any further.

What he didn’t notice before, were the numerous earrings adorning his right ear; small balls and black hoops decorated his cartilage. They looked nice on him, very nice.

Evan felt his face heat up for unknown reasons, only for it to redden even more in embarrassment for blushing in the first place.

“You okay?” Connor had totally given up on playing by now, discarding his controller in order to give his full attention to his distressed guest.

“Yeah, just a l-little hot.” Even let out a shaky sigh, regaining his composure as quickly as he could. There was no need getting flustered over some jewelry, right?

“Let me open the window for you.” Connor climbed onto his bed, sliding the window open with a creak. The slightly chipped paint on the rim showed he opened it frequently, which was strange considering they probably had airconditioning.

“Thanks” He smiled, he never really noticed how  _nice_  Connor was. The brunet smiled back just as sweetly.

“Okay, you in for a real competition?” Connor rubbed his hands together in excitement.

“Sure?”

“Sweet!” He grabbed the controller and picked Fox on the screen, a character he hasn’t picked before.

“So, you weren’t trying!” He picked the pink blob again, not really knowing who all the characters on the screen were.

“I wanted to be a good host and let you win.” The game started once again, the sounds of buttons being pressed furiously drowning out the grunts the characters on screen made.

Sure enough, Evan was without any health in no time and Connor was laughing with joy. “Get wrecked, tree boy!”

“I call a rematch!” There was no way he was going out without a fight, the second round he pressed more random buttons, only to lose once again.

The rest of their day was spent with Evan smashing buttons and Connor laughing at the other’s defeat. Evan decided they had a good time, his cheeks numb from laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep! We'll have an occasional Evan!point of view.


	4. Restore Life the Way It Should Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It always looked so sterile, white walls, white ceilings and some gross marble cream as flooring. The countless of booklets around them the only decorations, with enticing titles like ‘Autism and puberty’, ‘See what your health care provider can do for your prescription’ and, ‘Depression in young adults’. 
> 
> He wanted to go home already, before realizing what was waiting for him at said house. 
> 
> Yeah, confined waiting room it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Young the Giant - Cough Syrup

The air around him was heavy in the summer evening. The trees rustled above him while the cars sped up on the road behind him. Just like every other week, he would stand in front of this specific building, smoking a cigarette to calm himself down before having probably the most taxing hour of his week.

He hated therapy.

He cursed at himself for forgetting his fabric spray. Instead, he dusted off his jacket, afraid to get scolded for smelling like smoke once again. It’s not his fault that therapy is simply so stressful of an idea to him.

It’s ironic, really. The sessions aren’t even too bad, better than he’d ever imagined them to be, but the idea was always scaring to Connor.

That, and he’d just feels mentally deflated at the end of each of them. He would probably never really get used to the mental toll it takes on him to open up on such a personal level.

He’s been going to therapy for a couple of months now, ever since his parents found out about the  _pill incident_. They would talk about the usual things, his drug use, conflicts, his family and his school.

Mr. Fisher would always listen patiently, scribbling down some stuff on his notepad more often than not and ask him occasional questions to get him to talk.

Whatever was said here would stay within these walls. The therapist would never talk to his parents; doctors oat, he had explained and he would never judge or take pity, just helpful tips for next time.

The first time Connor cried at the office was because he was scared of what would’ve happened. Scared being made fun of or being told to ‘man up’. Instead, Fisher just waited for him in silence, handing him an occasional tissue paper while giving Connor the space he needed to figure out his own emotions. When he was done, a few questions were passed asking what happened, but he knew when to back off once it was overwhelming the teen.

It has been so long since he cried, he wasn’t sure if he was capable of shedding those tears anymore. It felt oddly relieving.

The secretary smiled at him, the kind of fake smile you give out of pity. I mean, she’s dealing with depression and mentally ill people every day, you’re going think it’s sad and feel sorry for them, but that didn’t change the fact that it made him cringe.

“Please, take a seat. Dr. Fisher will be here in a second. There are water and coffee in the usual spot, so please help yourself.”

It always looked so sterile, white walls, white ceilings and some gross marble cream as flooring. The countless of booklets around them the only decorations, with enticing titles like ‘Autism and puberty’, ‘See what your health care provider can do for your prescription’ and, ‘Depression in young adults’.

He wanted to go home already, before realizing what was waiting for him at said house.

Yeah, confined waiting room it is.

He did what he usually would do when he got bored like this, pick at his fingers. It’s a bad habit, and it caused a multitude of painful hangnails. His mother got so fed up with it that they tried to decide on something less intrusive. It was just some hangnails, but she was afraid it would be a gateway to more serious self-harm habits.

They decided on nail polish, so he could pick on his colored nail beds instead. They started with plain, clear ones, but getting more ballsy, Connor started to paint them blacks, and other dark colors. That’s how he got here, a deep, somewhat dull purple that almost looked plain black in his nails.

Larry didn’t agree with this at first, but after a heated argument with Cynthia, he caved in and hasn’t mentioned it ever since.

Talking about his mother, she has been more assertive since the incident. Going against Larry’s strict and occasionally unfair way of parenting more often than not, and choosing the side of her children nearly all the time now.

Unless it was something she didn’t agree with.

He noticed that he managed to remove almost the entirety of his pinky finger’s polish, leaving a stained and naked nail behind.

“Hello, Connor.” Dr. Fisher came into view, always insisting to take the walk from the waiting room to his office. It always felt like he was pulsing how Connor was feeling, to prepare for the session. The office was small and empty, and somehow, even in the summer, it was always freezing in here.

“Please, take a seat.”

“So, how have you been doing?” Papers, so many papers. And books. At least a dozen were just sprawled on the windowsill, close enough to his desk to grab in a hurry while keeping his workspace tidy enough. Connor rather looks at these miscellaneous items than look at the middle-aged man in front of him, a patient yet strict scowl on his face.

“Cool-” Connor mumbled under his breath, only to realize the other probably didn’t hear him. “Been doing cool.”

“That’s great, Connor.” The tone of his voice betrayed that he didn’t believe the teen, but he moved on anyway. “How has the homework been?”

To the point like always, the therapist never bothering with small-talk that would only be a waste of time. The brunet enjoyed this, not getting stuck in a maze of sentences like he would at home.

“Cool, I talked to Zoe and asked her about her jazz class. She seemed happy that I showed interest, but once she stopped talking it kinda just got awkward. I bailed out of there before anything really happened.” Connor tried to shrug nonchalantly, but his downcast gaze seemed to show he wasn’t proud of what he did.

“No, Connor. You did very well.” He smiled gently, not in a pitiful way like his mother would, but something more reassuring. “Let’s try doing that again this week. You think you feel comfortable enough to sit down with your mother this time?”

“Fuck no! She’s just going to talk about this” He waved around the room frantically “And then she’s going to make me feel guilty for only talking to her because you told me to.”

“That’s alright, Connor. Let’s stay with Zoe, then.” Dr. Fisher made a quick note on his paper, probably as to not forget what he’s asking of Connor. “You set the pace you’re comfortable with, not what others expect from you.”

Silent hung in the air, the sound of a pencil scratching on paper filling the room, making Connor dread was coming up.

The questions about him and  _Larry_.

His dad was usually bought up in these sessions, clearly one of the main points of going here, to begin with, as he was one of the reasons for his repressed emotions in the first place. He had also dreaded this part of the therapy, not wanting to bring up painful memories about the man. Trying to desperately avoid the topic and tell Mr. Fisher about their usual fights, he did the next best thing he could think of.

“I made a new friend last week.” The scribbling in the notepad stopped for a split second before Dr. Fisher looked up, a glimpse of surprise melting into a soft smile.

“That’s very good, Connor! What are they like?”

“He’s kind and somewhat of a dork. He loves talking about trees so much that I feel like I can actually take an exam right now on willows and actually pass.” He smiled at the memory. “Hell, I don’t even know how a willow looks!”

“What’s his name?”

“Evan Hansen, he goes to the same school as me. Never really bothered to talk to him before, but he’s pretty cool. Won’t judge and stuff.”

“Do you feel like you can talk to him on a personal level?” He stopped for a moment, trying to reword what he was trying to say. “On a level where you won’t get as agitated?”

“Yeah, he’s not the best talker himself, had a bit of a stutter when he’s nervous, but he’s a great listener. It’s kinda selfish but the only times I really let him talk is when I want the distraction.”

“I understand. It’s good to find someone who’ll lend you an ear, but it’s important to know that any relationships are given and take. When you ready for it, listen to what he has to say as well.”

He thought about it; listening to Evan. Honestly, besides his obsession about flora and his general anxiety, there wasn’t much he knew about the other. He didn’t talk much, and even though he himself ranted about personal stuff, Evan never bothered to join the conversation with his own contribution.

Thinking back on it, he felt awfully selfish.

Noticing the shift in mood, Dr. Fisher cleared his throat; the sound raspy and authoritative. Connor looked up in a reflex only to be greeted with a smile, the lines on his forehead deepening by the action.

“I’m very proud of you, Connor. Please remember to keep doing the breathing exercises when you’re struggling.”

“Yeah...”

“Now, how have you been feeling?” It was such a typical question that it made Connor snort a little. he shrugged as he answered. 

“You know, the usual.” 

“You know it’s okay to tell me, right Connor?” He set away the papers, putting his full attention on the teen. 

“Yeah, it’s just that, I kinda had an outburst last week and I just feel embarrassed about it.” He tugged a hair at the nape of his neck, getting more and more nervous about the topic. 

“Could you tell me what happened?” Like always, he would ask him to answer, not demand him. There have been times he outright denied to speak, but Dr. Fisher never made an issue out of it. 

Right now, he decided it would so him good to get it off his chest. He told him about the incident the first day of school, conveniently leaving out Evan’s name as to not stir up any more questioning.

“It’s a perfectly fine reaction to get upset when someone treats you like that, Connor.” He smiled kindly at him. “You shouldn’t feel ashamed.”

“it’s just, I feel bad?” 

“Empathy is a great thing to have.” He nodded at his own deduction. “Try to make amends if you feel like you’re up to it.” 

“And next time, try not to get physical when you’re in a confrontation? I know it might seem hard, but acting on those impulses only means they accomplished what they wanted.”

“Just know that they’re not worthy of your time, Connor.”

He nodded, the conversation between them dying down. The silence between the set, the clock on the wall ticking loudly. It already read five, making Connor think about were the time went. He arrived here at four, he was sure.

“If there isn’t anything else you’d like to discuss, I’d like to wrap up our session for today.” He waited for Connor’s reply, a simple nod enough to draw the conclusion that they were done here. “I’ll see you in two weeks, Tuesday.”

They shook hands, the therapist leading him to the door but not following him through the hallways. Their sessions always either seemed to go by like a flash or as if it took an eternity. Today, it felt like just a couple of minutes, but a glance at the clock in the waiting room he passed, told him otherwise.

He took the usual elevator down, happy that there weren’t any people in it. He hated being in such close proximity to others, they would always give him this look of pity, especially since he’s coming from the floor where the therapists are.

Which reminded him, Fisher. He was a kind man who seemed good at his job, but Connor didn’t have a way to compare it to anyone else.

He looked tired, yet confident and too old for his age. It seemed like he would stay late in the office to talk to patients on the phone whenever they needed someone to ground them, like he didn’t have to heart to tell them that, no, businesses hours are over and please call back tomorrow between 9 and 5.

It’s one of the reasons why Connor could never bring himself to call him whenever he needed it. That, and his stubbornness of believing he would never be  _that_  bad off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little glimpse into Connor’s therapy session. Now, these kind of chapters are uncommon for this story, I just wanted to show what's going on!


	5. Always a Touch Out of View

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What are you listening to?” He had given up on his sandwich, but Jared seemed to deem it enough as to not nag about it anymore. 
> 
> “Probably system of a down or something equally emo trash.” Kleinman snorted at his own joke, Connor decided to ignore the remark. 
> 
> “Korn, actually-”
> 
> “Oh, my God.” Jared busted out in laughter. “Dude, don't cut yourself on your edge.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imagine Dragons - Polaroid

Smoke swirled around him as he exhaled his cigarette laced breath. Leaning again the stone walls outside the school, his hoodie zipped up from the chill wind, Connor stared at the mostly empty track field in front of him. He came early, as per usual, so he could unwind at the back of the building.

People walking past gave him wary looks, some even totally avoiding going towards his direction altogether.

At least it gave him his much deserved peace.

The first bell of many that day rang, signaling for the students to get inside before the second bell would ring. He pushed out his cigarette on the wall behind him, flicking the towards the ground when the fire died.

Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he dragged his heavy feet towards the entrance. Even while slouching, he was still taller than the general students, making it easy for him to walk through the crowded hallway.

“Connor! How have you been?” He saw stacks of books fill his vision, only for a head to peak out from behind them. Alana, hands full in schoolwork, smiled at him brightly.

“Good-”

“That’s great, I’ve been so busy during summer break. I volunteered, got some jobs here and there for my resumes.” She jumped a little in order to adjust her backpack.

“That’s great, Alana.” He was honestly too tired to talk to her, her energy almost draining to his ‘take it easy’ lifestyle.

“I’m busy studying for our finals already. I know the year just started, but you can never be prepared enough! I suggest you do the same, Connor.”

“Yeah--sure. I will.”

“Great! Now, if you excuse me, I need to go now. Busy, busy” She chuckled at her own joke, some kind of desperation behind the sound. As busy as she was, he didn’t know how she wouldn’t be stressed out every single second. “See you around!”

She rushed out, right when the second bell rang. Connor groaned, knowing he was going to get a lecture for being late once again.

He considered skipping class, before remembering how upset it made Zoe when she found out. Slumping his shoulders down, he slid his feet through the now empty hallway, opening the door to his classroom. With the kind of luck he never experienced before, he was able to slide into his desk without the teacher noticing.

-

Connor hated lunch break. The cafeteria was always too busy, behind the school is where the goths and stoners hang out, and there is no nice park nearby for him to enjoy some peace and silent.

Usually, he’d spend his break in his car, listening to some music on his phone. Once, he would listen to the radio on his car, but that resulted in the battery draining and a heavy lecture from Larry on how he ‘should’ve known better, you’re a man and you need to have knowledge on cars like that.’

Great, now he’s in an even worse mood.

He walked towards the cafeteria, the library not being an option since eating there was prohibited.

He knows, he got kicked out of it before because of that sole reason.

Through the sea of students, a thick cast came into his vision, raised up in a wave. It brought a smile on his face as he walked towards the lunch table the blond was sitting at.

“Connor!”

Jared sat next to the blond, a look of fear on his face and a stance that was ready to sprint out of there. “Evan!?”

“‘Sup, Hansen.”

Kleinman looked in disbelief of the civil conversation between them, making Connor unsure whether to feel angry at that or to feel smug.

He decided on the latter, not wanting to upset the blond by getting mad for no reason.

“What’s up.”

“Oh, you know-” Evan was nibbling on a pen, stacks of papers and books adorning the lunch table. “School, I guess.”

Connor invited himself to sit in front of Evan since next to him was occupied by Kleinman.

“This is lunch, Evan, not study hour.” As if to prove his point, he grabbed his own meal and let it drop to the heavy table. “Go eat.”

“That’s what I told him, but he’s too stubborn.” Jared chimed in for the first time in the conversation, deeming Connor to be ‘safe’. “He’s such a nerd.”

Four-eyed snorted, making Evan elbow him in embarrassment.

“Fine--fine, I’ll eat.”

Jared whooped, throwing his arms in the air in victory.

“Well, I better get some food at the cafeteria myself now that it’s quieter.” Kleinman pointed at the receding line for the school’s lunch. “Bu-bye, don’t be a loser all break, Evan.”

Evan chewed on the pencil for a split second, before realizing he basically promised the others two to stop working during his break. Reluctantly, he shoved the papers back into his beaten backpack before dropping his elbows on the now clear table.

“You got food, right?” Connor took a bite of his sandwich, offering him the other half. Evan politely declined, grabbing his own sandwich from his bag.

He never took a bite of said sandwich, only deciding to play with the wrapper, Connor felt it wasn’t his place to pester the other into eating.

Chewing his own food while staring off into the distance, he noticed Evan staring at the side of his head. He’d noticed Evan looking at his direction more and more often, but every time he looked back, the blond would hurry his gaze away.

To be completely honest, it was getting kind of annoying how obvious the other was with looking, and it made Connor feel somewhat insecure.

He was about to comment on what was wrong before Evan beat him to it in a rushed question. “Did it hurt?”

“What? I swear to God, Hansen if this is some cheesy-”

“NO!” The blond’s voice was loud and frantic. “The earrings...”

He shrugged. “Not really, I mean... It wasn’t comfortable but it didn’t hurt.” He eyed the other teen cautiously, always on guard for an insult. “why?”

Instead of a degrading comment, a blush and a rushed reply came. “Just asking-”

“Don’t tell me you want your ears pierced!”

“Oh--God no. My mom would kill me!” Evan chuckled, the kind he does whenever he’s nervous and wants to fill the silence. “Besides, it’ll look silly on me...”

“I think it’ll look cute.”

Evan blush darkened at the compliment. “It doesn’t really go with my aesthetic...”

He had a point. Evan didn’t really scream ‘bad boy’ or ‘punk’. It was more of a ‘this is the person your mom wants to date because he looks like he has his shit together.’

Silence fell over them, and Connor felt itchy to say something.

“So--”

“Do you haveanyothers?” apparently, Connor was not the only one trying to avoid the silence, if Evan’s rushed speech was anything to go by.

“What?”

“You know, any other piercings--” Evan was swinging his hands around as if I was trying to speak sign language. “God--I must sound like a creep, forget I said anything.”

Connor laughed, one of his genuine laughs. The worry on the blond’s face seemed to melt away with the sound.

“No, I’ve been wanting to but honestly didn’t have the balls to do so.”

“Oh-” Connor noted the almost disappointment in the other’s voice. Who would’ve thought Evan  _freaking_  Hansen was interested in piercings. “No, I get it. It seems painful.”

Connor hummed in a reply, his throat suddenly feeling a little constricted. Evan got the hint, and the conversation stopped and fell into a more comfortable silence this time.

Only to be broken by a loud tray being slammed on the table.

“Whaddup losers.” Getting no response, Jared sat down with a defeated sigh. “Come on, Evan. You need to eat.”

“I’ll eat later, just not really hungry right now.” Evan shrugged, his fingers drumming against the table anxiously. “Honestly, I don’t know how you can have a meal like that at noon.”

“Dude, I’m always hungry.”

Connor snorted at this, before stuffing his face with the last piece of his sandwich.

“What are you laughing at? Not everyone does drugs to stay skinny, you know.”

“Fuck off.” Connor sneered back, already about to leave when Evan interrupted their little staredown.

“Guys, p-please.”

“I won’t pick a fight with Hot Topic over there if you eat, Evan.”

Bribery, really? That’s what their friendship consists off? Connor felt a shudder down his spine when he saw a reluctant Evan opening up his lunch. He didn’t give a fuck about Kleinman, but he did feel guilty about Evan being uncomfortable like that.

“Don’t force yourself, Hansen. I can just leave.” He threw a hopefully subtle middle finger at Kleinman, making him scoff.

“It’s okay, Connor. You can stay.” He bit into his sandwich, grimacing. Jared just kind of stared in surprise, before huffing and starting to stuff his face with his own food.

“Suit yourself,” Kleinman spoke with his mouth full of whatever concoction the school has brewed up.

He didn’t know why he stayed, because now they were all engulfed in a thick cloak of awkward silence. Getting bored, he unwrapped his earphones and plopped them into his ear, making sure to keep one open in case Evan wanted to stir up a conversation.

Sure enough, the blond opened his mouth mere seconds after starting his song.

“What are you listening to?” He had given up on his sandwich, but Jared seemed to deem it enough as to not nag about it anymore.

“Probably system of a down or something equally emo trash.” Kleinman snorted at his own joke, Connor decided to ignore the remark.

“Korn, actually-”

“Oh, my God.” Jared busted out in laughter. “Dude, don’t cut yourself on your edge.”

He flipped off Jared. “Don’t choke on your food, asswipe.”

Kleinman returned the gesture with a big grin on his face, only making Connor more agitated. Honestly, if it wasn’t for Evan, he would’ve punched the other in the face already.

“Can--Can I listen to it?”

Reluctantly, he handed over his free earbud, both teens having to lean over the table in order to listen simultaneously. Jared wiggled his eyebrows at the close proximity, receiving an elbow from Evan.

The blond put in the bud for a total of three seconds, cringing the entirety of it before popping it out with a grimace.

“Oh, okay.” He stared at the headphone as if it just insulted his mother, which, considering the music he was listening to, wasn’t too farfetched. “That’s...  _something_ , alright.”

Connor laughed, already knowing that this wasn’t the kind of music the other would like. He unlocked his phone, Evan sighing in relief when he paused the song.

“Wait, I might have some stuff you like in here.”

He pressed play once again, a new tune filtering out of the little buds. Evan leaned closer once again in order to listen, Connor could practice breath in the other’s scent.

_Peppermint._

Evan smiled shyly, noting the close proximity before nodding along to the beat. “This is pretty neat, I guess.”

“You guess?” Connor smirked back.

“Yeah, I like it.” Evan nodded enthusiastically. “What is it?”

“Imagine Dragons, they’re getting quite popular so you probably heard them on the radio before.” He started to pick his phone case. “This is just one of their older songs.”

“Evan Hansen being wooed by angsty music? Yep, something I didn’t think I’d ever see in my life.”

“W-what?” Evan seemed to jump back five feet at the sudden remark, making Connor sight and roll up the earbuds for now. That was enough music for now, he decided.

“I think Kleinman I just jealous he can’t listen to my sick beats.”

“Hey, I do feel like I’m third wheeling on my own lunch-” The smirk on all of their faces fell once the bell rang, interrupting their little banter, all of them groaning in turn.

“Well, I guess this is goodbye!” Jared hopped off of the seat, throwing away the leftovers of his food. “Let’s go, Evan! Don’t hurt yourself in the sun, Murphy.”

“The sun?” Connor looked confused at the remark, but Jared was already on his way toward the hallway, leaving him wondering out loud.

“He thinks you’re a vampire.” Even face paled once he realized what he just said. “I mean-”

The brunet smirked. “Crap, guess my secret is out.” Evan snickered behind his uninjured hand, smiling up at him. “Take care, Hansen.”

“Bye, Connor.”

The hallways were filled with students rushing to go to their class once again, and Connor slumped at the mere pressure of getting through the mass. When he turned around one last time, he saw a laughing Jared right next to a beet red Evan.

_I wonder what that’s all about._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared is a fucking delight to write.
> 
> Oh, and Alana is a busy queen and she won’t be in this story too much. Sorry if you wanted to see more of her, but I just simply don’t think she has too much time considering they barely know each other.


	6. What If I Wanted to Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “WHAT EVAN, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE!” Connor’s eyes seemed like they were on fire, unfocused yet bright and determined. 
> 
> the blond flinched visibly, not really knowing how to respond to that. Of course, he was on his side, but that doesn’t mean he wants to participate in a murder. 
> 
> Because a murder is definitely where this is going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thirty Seconds to Mars - The Kill

Evan just finished his homework, showered and was about to hit the hay. His mom wasn’t home for tonight, a normal occurrence since she has to take night shifts in order to go to school during the day.

He sighed, letting his feet drag him towards his room. He wasn’t tired--well he was, but he didn’t want to go to sleep. Lately, he’s been having vivid nightmares, making him dread going to sleep altogether.

He blamed it on the medication since they started happening once he changed the brand.

His phone buzzed violently in the quiet night, making Evan jump in surprise. As he unlocked the device, a message of Connor stated up to him.

-ev  
-you awake

He looked at the clock, it was already past ten. Having nothing better to do, and not wanting to leave the chat on ‘read’ without replying, he sent a quick message letting him know he was still up.

I’m up.-

-thank fuck  
-i shouldnt tell you this  
-but fuck it I gt vent  
-do you mind

What happened?-

-zo came crying to me  
-bout how this guy was hitting on her  
-couldnt take no for an answer  
-creeped her tf out  
-dunno the details

He didn’t really know what to say to _that_. Worry started to pool in his stomach, making him feel wide awake once again.

That’s horrible...-  
Is she okay?-

-if i see that guy ill beat him up  
-you cannot stop me hansen  
-ill punch him to the hospital

Connor, calm down.-  
It’s going to be okay, just breathe.-

-no  
-evan I can’t

I understand, is there anything I can do to help?-  
Please let me know.-

-can i come over  
-i wont be long

Of course.-

He sent the message before he could think about the implications. Was he really inviting Connor over to his house at ten at night? While he did feel slightly worried about Zoe, mentally noting that he didn’t feel nearly as bad about the ordeal as he probably should considering his crush on her.

He was more worried about Connor driving at night like this.

He shook his head, thinking he was becoming delusional due to the lack of sleep. Another buzz awoke him from his train of thought, another message from Connor.

-got in my car and realized i dont kno your address.

Oh, of course. Let me sent you the location.-  
Sorry-

-be there in a couple min

He hurried downstairs in his sweatpants, not feeling bothered to change into anything else. He poured himself some water as to keep himself occupied, his hands twitching to do something-- _anything_.

Only when there was a knock on the door, did he start to second guess if he should’ve changed out of his sleepwear, making him panic slightly before swinging the front door open.

His anxiety about his attire disappeared once he laid eyes on the brunet.

Connor looked like a natural disaster that was about to strike. His hair more messy than usual, his face flushed with absolute _anger_ and a scowl so harsh it would prevent anybody in their right mind coming near him.

If Evan was honest with himself, he would prefer not to deal with Connor like this. He could already feel his anxiety bubble up in the back of his throat, making his voice crack as he welcomed the other boy.

“I swear to fucking God. I need to find out where this guy lives so I can fucking rip his useless piece of ass out and drown him in the nearest ditch I can find.”

“Connor, please.” He didn’t even have the chance to fully close the front door before he went into a yelling tantrum. Connor turned towards him wildly.

“WHAT EVAN, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE!” Connor’s eyes seemed like they were on fire, unfocused yet bright and determined.

the blond flinched visibly, not really knowing how to respond to that. Of course, he was on his side, but that doesn’t mean he wants to participate in a murder.

Because a murder is definitely where this is going.

For the first time in ever, Evan was truly scared of Connor. This was nothing compared to being shoved by the other teen in the hallway at the beginning of school.

This was much, much scarier.

Connor clenched his fist, hard enough to probably do damage to the palms of his hand. What he did note was the usual black hoodie being replaced by an equally dark muscle shirt, something he never saw the other in.

Well, it was late, probably his intended sleepwear he put on before he got the news.

The pure rigidity of his body made his muscles spasm, his biceps having a subtle swell that he couldn’t have received without working out in some kind of way. He’d ask about that, later.

“Let’s stay calm, Connor.” He noted that he wasn’t looking at him anymore, deciding to glare daggers at the furniture besides him. “Staring my coffee table down isn’t going to help anyone.”

“Then what!?” Connor looked up, directing his look towards Evan instead.

“Then we talk about it... rationally.” Connor glared back at the table once again. “No punching anybody-” or anything, he added to his mind, because the staredown with his furniture was getting heated.

Evan strolled to the couch, trying to look confident and collected. He assumed the other needed someone like that right now, so pretending was the least he could do.

“Let’s sit down?” He patted the cushion next to him like one would do to a scared animal.

Connor grumbled a ‘fine’ under his breath before letting his lanky body fall into the cushions, arms crossed defensively.

“Okay, so what exactly happened?”

“I already told you...” Connor gave him a look, not being too happy with the questioning, it seems. He knew he had to be careful with his words as to not anger the other anymore.

“Details, Connor. I didn’t get a lot from your texts” The taller teen deflated, letting his shoulders slump with a sigh.

“So, you know how Zoe has band practice?” He was grumbling, making Evan lean closer in order to hear him properly. “Well, she usually stays there from four until five, right after school.”

“I didn’t want to pick her up, being a fucking lazy asshole... so she had to walk to the bus station herself.”

“Apparently some student who was at football practice decided to stir up trouble.” Fists clenched again, his arms still crossed defensively. “She didn’t go into detail, but he kept pushing her going out with him.”

“When she told him no, he got angry, yelled at her-”

“That’s horrible...” Evan was getting more and more uncomfortable, gripping the seat cushions under him tightly as to not pick at his cast anymore.

“He better not have laid a finger on her, or he’s dead.” The edge in his voice became more and more blunt with the seconds, his usual bright blue eyes now looking dull in exhaustion.

“Did she look like she was in pain?”

“Not really, just in shock.” The room got quiet, Connor just being tired out after his outbreak.

“I should’ve been there, Evan.” His voice was barely above a whisper now, and if he wasn’t so close he would’ve probably missed it altogether. “I could’ve protected her, but I was being a useless brother.”

He could’ve sworn he heard him say ‘again’ under his breath.

“It’s not your fault, Connor.”

Because, really, it wasn’t.

A lone car drove by, the tires gliding over the road practically the only sound in the entire neighborhood. It was late already, and Evan had to suppress a yawn, not wanting to look insensitive.

He looked over at the teen next to him, nothing he was glaring daggers at his own hands. He could practically hear the internal self-deprecating monologue that was going on in his head.

“How’s Zoe? Is she okay now?” He desperately wanted to distract the other, not liking the pure helplessness in his stare.

Connor paled as if he totally forgot that his entire outburst was about said girl. There was no doubt he probably cared for his siblings, but to Evan, it seemed more of an excuse to properly get angry for once.

“She said she was fine.”

“That’s great.” Evan was grasping at straws by now, not knowing what to say or how to help. “Would you like some water? Maybe some bread, you’re looking a little bit pale.”

“I’m good-” He caught himself mid-sentence to actually consider the offer. “Actually, some water would be great.”

Evan got up a little too quickly, making his head spin slightly. Connor seemed too into it to even notice, so he rushed to the kitchen to avoid confrontation and pour him something to drink.

When he got back from the kitchen, glass of water in hand, Connor still looked steaming from anger, just not as much as he was when he just got here.

“Here you go.”

Without a word, he grabbed the glass and practically swallow the liquid in one gulp.

Noticed pale hands were clenched on his lap, practically shaking with the effort, he placed his hand over the trembling slender ones in the hopes of relaxing his friend somewhat.

“She’s fine now, Connor.” He squeezed his hand, making the brunet visibly relax. “She’s okay.”

“Thank you, Evan.”

They locked eyes, time seemed to stop behind them. Connor’s expression softened, his squeezed fists now relaxed against his lap.

Tires screeched outside of the building, followed by an angry honk. While not being unusual for the neighborhood, the noise was loud enough to make made Evan jump up, making him snap out of his daze.

Realizing he was still holding Connor’s hand--well, more like his fist, he jumped up, heat growing up his neck and towards his cheeks.

“So--so yeah.” His voice squeaked a little, making him cough in embarrassment. As if trying to save him from the awkward situation, Connor’s phone started to buzzed loudly in his pocket.

Pale hands clutched the device as he seemed to read over the message, his knuckles turning white from the pressure. Blue eyes seemed to darken into something way too scary for Evan’s liking.

“Connor, are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine. Just need to pay someone a quick visit.”

“What do you mean?” The brunet got up without another word, strolling towards the door with Evan trying to keep up, stopping him before he could open the door. “Connor, don’t do anything stupid.”

“Evan.” He placed a slender hand on his shaky shoulders, making the blond flinch at the sudden contact. “I’ll be fine.”

Without another word, he opened the door and left. His long legs making his stride fast while still looking effortless. He did not like how the others feet seemed to stomp the ground with every step he took.

Locking the door behind him reluctantly when Connor’s car drove off, Evan sighed and leaned heavily against the wall. He looked at the clock, nearly twelve at night.

He had a bad feeling about this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No going to lie, I'm getting bored with my own story... Looking at the lack of feedback, I feel like you guys feel the same This is why I decided to rush a little bit further into the story, hopefully to spike more interest.
> 
> I'll try to get to the juicy parts as quick as I can, but bear with me as I'm trying to find the best balance.


End file.
